


Renew

by DRHPaints



Category: Actor RPF, American (US) Actor RPF, Bill Hader - Fandom, Bill Hader RPF, Saturday Night Live RPF, US Comedians RPF
Genre: Blood, Body Shaming, Cutting, Depression, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Family Issues, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mention of Family Member Dying, No Sex, Self-Acceptance, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Shame, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:22:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29593443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DRHPaints/pseuds/DRHPaints
Summary: When an abusive family member gets in contact after a long hiatus, Nadine breaks her clean streak, self-harming and feeling shame. With the help of therapy and comfort from her partner Bill, Nadine starts on the path to self-forgiveness and acceptance.
Relationships: Bill Hader/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 2





	Renew

**Author's Note:**

> Requested anonymously
> 
> I would encourage people to read the tags carefully. This work describes self-harm quite explicitly and may be triggering for many. I didn't write it to glorify the act or encourage people to do so, but to help myself process and to (hopefully) provide a cathartic story for the individual who made the request. I apologize if it is upsetting to anyone.
> 
> If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of hurting themselves, here are some resources:
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255
> 
> Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
> 
> Trans Lifeline (staffed entirely by trans and GNC individuals specifically for the trans/GNC community): 877-565-8860

Hauling in far too many groceries at once, Nadine scoffed when her phone rang, shifting the loops bearing a bag of fruit to her other hand and answering the unfamiliar number without looking. “Hello?”

“Hey Nini!” 

Arms limping, grapes rolled into the crevices of the kitchen, the dining room. Nadine stared. Mouth dry, she tried to swallow past the years, decades worth of cruelty that voice burned onto her soul, absent from her idyllic life for ages, and rudely interrupting with three cheerful syllables. “Oh...h-hey Anty Marge...how are...hey…”

As per usual, the hateful woman needed no encouragement to keep speaking. “So good to talk to you, Nini!.” Pulse racing, Nadine wondered how the hell her Aunt got her number. After all she did to escape. The hospital. Leaving Minnesota. Estranging herself from that side of the family entirely. How?  _ How? _ “I know we haven’t talked in a while, but we all just miss you so much!”

A pause greeted Nadine and the trauma-glued gears of her brain slowly cranked back into action, realizing her Aunt expected a response. “Oh yeah, that’s...I’m sorry…”  _ Why am I apologizing?  _

_ Because you always did… _

“I...yeah. It’s been a long time. I’m sorry… I’ve been busy…”

“Yeah, Stephanie told me you’re out in LA now? Dating that Bill Hader? Guess you’re too fancy for the rest of us back in a flyover state, huh?” That laugh. A laugh which never failed to make Nadine nauseous, echoed over the line, barking and endlessly amused at her ability to demean. “But it’s going well? Stephanie said something about how you two had a fight. But I heard he likes bigger girls, so I guess you’re in luck there, at least…”

Nadine didn’t know how she stayed upright as the hits kept coming. One after the other. Undermining her relationship. Her appearance. Her job as a freelance writer. “Oh, you know you were so smart back in high school. Why didn’t you just go into nursing like Hope? I mean she’s a doctor now, but you probably could’ve handled nursing school, right? I know you get overwhelmed so easily…”

_ Just hang up. Just tell her to fuck off. Scream. Throw your phone. Anything. Anything. _

_ Don’t just stand here. _

_ Why are you listening to this bullshit? _

_ You went to therapy for years to deal with the abuse from this bitch and here you are just taking it all over again. _

_ Why? _

_ Why? _

_ Why? _

“Anyway, so I just called…” Marge eventually sighed. “Because your grandma Meredith died last week. Sad I know, but she made it over a hundred, so…”

Nadine knew her aunt, for one, wasn’t the least bit sad about Meredith’s passing. Constantly complaining about ‘criticism’ from her mother-in-law, Marge despised the tiny elderly woman. Who, in fact, wasn’t Nadine’s grandmother, but that of her cousin’s. “Oh that’s...I’m sorry to hear that.”

“So you’ll be back for the funeral? We’re having it here in Foley next Saturday. You know she wasn’t one of  _ us… _ ” The emphasis she put on this particular word betrayed the level of her aunt’s delusion, referring to their family’s religion, which Nadine staunchly abandoned eons ago. “So she’s okay being embalmed.”

Clearing her throat, Nadine wondered when she fell back against the fridge. “Oh no, I...I don’t think I’ll be able to make it. Sorry.”

Silence again. “Nadine.” Her aunt always used people’s first names excessively in conversation, even when not upset. She thought this tactic helped people feel ‘seen.’ But instead, at least in Nadine’s experience, all it did was make people nervous. “Meredith was so good to you. Remember that necklace she bought you for Christmas? I really think it would be decent of you to at least come and pay your respects. And you can stay at the house if you want. I know finances are an issue for you…”

Nadine wanted to rage. Yes, perhaps it took her a while to get her shit together, her life together, compared to most, living below the poverty line into her thirties. But now, none could deny Nadine established herself as a minor success in her field. And if her aunt knew enough family gossip to be aware of some apparent ‘fight’ between her and Bill, she sure as hell knew what Nadine did for work. 

“No, it’s…” Grinding her teeth, Nadine almost forgot how her jaw would cement. How she used to need to stretch, stretch, stretch her mouth every day, that sickening click radiating from the left side because she spent her nights consumed by terror and clenching. Clenching… “I’m just...I can’t get away right now. I’m sorry. I’m sorry to hear she passed. Meredith was really nice…”

A guttural sigh. Apparently Anty Marge shouldn’t be insulting Nadine’s weight from the sound of her labored breathing.  _ But...that never stopped her before.  _ “You know, I’m surprised at you, Nadine…but I guess I shouldn’t be. Los Angeles inevitably makes people so callous and solipsistic.” Tossing out a five dollar word to flex her Master’s degree as though she weren’t a second grade teacher in a small town and everyone should be impressed by her monumental intelligence, Marge scoffed. “I hope you’ll at least think about it.”

“Yeah, I...yeah.” Nadine shook. A thousand pin pricking memories. A million hurtful words. Raining down on her consciousness as Nadine stood in the kitchen, mouth flat and voice hollow. “I’ll...yeah. But I...I’m getting another call, so...I have to let you go…”

“Okay Nini! So good to talk to you! I love you, sweetie!”

“Mmhmm…” Hanging up, as per usual when a conversation ended with her aunt, Nadine felt like the monster. 

_ Freak. You couldn’t say I love you? What the fuck is wrong with you? What kind of human are you, anyway?  _

_ Coward. Can’t even go to a funeral for a couple of hours? That’s how much you’re going to let some old bitch scare you? _

_ Weak. You should’ve told her off. Told her all the ways she hurt you. Someone needs to put her in her place and you’re the only one with enough distance, with the privilege, to do so. Everyone else is still over there suffering under her wrath. _

_ Pathetic. You let her talk to you like that all over again. You just took it like the child you are. And you know what? You deserved it. You deserved all of it. She was right about you all along. She was  _ **_right_ ** _. _

***

Groceries forgotten, grabbing the paper towels, shuffling steps carried Nadine through the house like a sleepwalker.

The hall. The closet. She knew precisely where. Which box.

A vague corner of Nadine’s mind remembered the day she moved in. Bill’s powerful arms hoisting the container through the doorway, his crooked grin beaming as they crossed paths on the way to the truck. No idea his huge hands contained Hell.

Within the box, a small one. And a tinier one inside. Elegant and opalescent. Nadine didn’t know why, but she needed the exterior to be beautiful. Even if the contents proved hideous. 

Nadine clutched the rectangle to her abdomen as she lurched to the bathroom. All the skills learned, useless. No thought stopping. No distraction. No breathing or grounding techniques. Just a ceaseless barrage of her aunt’s voice, and a cacophony of others, spitting vitriol at a decade of hard-earned self worth.

Closing the door and sitting down, Nadine lowered her leggings and opened the lid. Within remained an ancient paper towel. Folded and crusted and brittle. A trophy displaying how long Nadine went without succumbing to the sting. How much she would willingly throw away to escape the roiling emotions.

Nadine examined the two razor blades. Both rusted. But her panic would not allow for cracking a new one free from her pack of Gillette’s. Many would not think what Nadine experienced in this moment could be deemed ‘panic,’ staring off into nothingness and still, quiet. But, movements slogging and brain awhir, the screaming inside could only be appeased in one way. At least, that’s what the voices told Nadine. And, unfortunately, metal gripped between her thumb and forefinger over her creamy thigh, she listened.

A little silent girl in a little silent room. Shouting outside. Shouting inside. Nadine hit her head. Fist to her face. 

Better. Quieter.

Nadine’s spirit never escaped that space. Her brain yelled from faraway. Tried to tell Nadine she didn’t reside there, but in the well-appointed bathroom she shared with her wonderful, caring lover. That before the phone call Nadine knew joy. Found happiness. Strove for healing after a lifetime of being beaten jagged and raw.

But Nadine’s shame won. Her hand moved.

One, two, three, four, five.

One, two, three, four, five.

Again.

Again.

As even as she could. As deep as she could. They hurt more than Nadine remembered. Probably good, she accepted, as in her teen years she became so accustomed, so addicted to the bite of the blade she needed stitches more than once. 

Laser focused and yet abandoning her body altogether, Nadine looked at the results as though she expected something different. As though the throb, the fluid, weren’t the right reaction.

Nadine didn’t want to be human.

Offering made, the ritual could commence. Nadine tore off one sheet of paper towel, waiting for the angry droplets to bubble to the surface before laying the white down to soak up the red.

Osmosis.

Ripping off a second, Nadine folded, folded, folded. A tiny, perfect square. Pretty and clean and useful. As she would never be. Touching one corner to the mocking smiles glistening in her wan flesh, Nadine watched the fibers soak, soak, soak. One side. The other. Another sheet. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Nadine never cleaned her cuts. She knew this to be foolish. But, aside from keeping up on her tetanus shots, she didn’t care. 

Pulling up her leggings, Nadine sat back down. She continued to bleed into her black fabric. She didn’t know why, but she always did this. Allowing the crust to gather and ruining perfectly good clothing. Who knows. Maybe Nadine needed to destroy something other than herself, for once.

Nadine unfolded the sheets. Rorschach tests of misery. She picked a favorite. Favorite wasn’t the right word, but she possessed no others. Tucking the page in a wordless diary along with her guilt, Nadine walked the box back, hiding the temptation in the closet. Telling herself she would throw them away. Soon.  _ Soon… _

Mind somewhat cleared and numb, not until Nadine returned to the kitchen, spotting the scattered bags and a spreading pool of melting ice cream, Bill’s ice cream, did her eyes flow. 

“ _ No, no, no, no, no _ …” Shoving the sullied evidence of her self-injury deep, deep into the garbage can, Nadine frantically put the food away, smearing up the mess, tears dropping into the dairy.

_ Not Bill’s ice cream. No. He’ll be so angry. I’m so stupid. Stupid. Stupid.  _ **_STUPID!_ **

Of course, Bill would be no such thing. But Nadine’s brain clanged against the bars of the past, unable to see herself, or anyone else, accurately. And in her fog, she truly, albeit mistakenly, believed Bill would despise her for this innocent error.

In reality, were Bill to walk in at that moment and witness her distress, his big hand would comb the harried strands from Nadine’s face with a sunny, uneven grin. Tell her it’s okay. Not to worry. Clean the mess up on his own. Check the other bags to see if she bought her favorite lemon bars. Usher Nadine to the couch with a kiss to the forehead and a rub to her back.

But once Nadine polished the floor to a screeching shine, she took out the trash, racing to the store again and delicately replacing the ice cream in the freezer. If she could accomplish this one little task, this one special thing correctly, perhaps the entire day, her entire life, wouldn’t feel so unwieldy.

By the time Bill’s flinty voice rang through the door, “Hey babe, you home?” before toeing off his white sneakers and unzipping his black hoodie, Nadine showered, the dingy maroon gurgling down the drain before she lacquered her thighs in the remainder of a box of band-aids, emptying the bathroom garbage, too, in an effort to hide the evidence.

“Yup!” Nadine rounded the corner, voice falsely cheery as she captured Bill’s pink lips and scratched under his stubbled chin. “Hey, how was your day?”

“Oh, pretty good.” Bobbing his head, Bill’s tall frame traipsed down the hall to the bedroom, changing into sweatpants as they spoke. “Mostly just writing, you know. Staring at a screen and talking to myself.”

Forcing a chuckle, Nadine nodded. “Been there.”

“How about you? How was your day?”

“Good.”  _ Lie _ . “Also did some writing this morning, then got some groceries. Nothing special.”

Wonky cobalt eyes looked at her with appreciation, with love. For once, Nadine wished they wouldn’t. Wished Bill could see her disgrace. “Thanks, hun.”

A normal night. Curling up on the couch before  _ ‘The Earrings of Madame De… _ ’ and reveling in the classic black and white romance. Nadine snuggled into Bill’s solid chest, his little belly her favorite pillow in the world. 

Bill’s large hand squeezed her thigh. Nadine winced. Said nothing. A fresh layer of acrid guilt coated her stomach. If Bill knew he hurt her, even accidentally, he would be incredibly upset. But Nadine didn’t know how to tell him she failed.

In bed. Bill’s broad body moving against her in the darkness. A firm arm encircling her waist. A sandpaper chin kissing the nape of her neck with a deep hum, usually one of Nadine’s most desired sounds.

“Hey, um…” Nadine touched Bill’s carved forearm, blinking in the shadows. “Sorry...I’m...I’m just kinda tired…”

“Oh okay.” Bill’s pink lips graced her cheek and patted Nadine’s hip. “No problem, babe. Another time. Sleep well.”

When Bill woke the next morning, Nadine kept her eyes closed, kept her breath steady beneath the sheets as she listened to him puttering around and readying for the day. Typically she enjoyed their morning time together before he left for work, laughing and talking over breakfast and sharing a heady kiss, wishing Bill well as he headed out the door.

But Nadine thought if the evening sky of his eyes landed on her today they would unearth her secret, and she couldn’t withstand their kind, mismatched stare. And so not until she heard his heavy footfalls leave did Nadine emerge from the covers.

After a couple of gray hours dragging herself from room to room, the demons beating against her skull becoming intolerable, Nadine emailed her therapist and asked would he be available for an extra session.

Fortunately free early that afternoon, when Nadine wept and explained what happened, her therapist graciously explained that one slip up in her self harm history did not negate all the years she spent clean. She still spared herself all those hurts. She still made all those good choices. All her hard work did not unravel because of one difficult day. Nadine needn’t be ashamed because one overwhelming situation pushed her into old habits.

Somewhat reassured and calmed, Nadine thanked him for his words and time and took his advice to be gentle with herself, to do self care. Though a bubble bath was out of the question, Nadine decided to blast her music, throwing her body around and dancing out her feelings until exhausted, musing as she flopped down on the couch about how she would need to coax Bill’s shapely legs into taking a spin around the floor more often.

Bill entered as her sweat dried and Nadine greeted him breathlessly. “Hey hun, how’re you doing?”

“I’m...good.” Dark brows gathered, Bill studied her flushed face and heaving chest. “You okay there, Nade?”

“Oh yeah.” Nadine waved a dismissive hand. “I was just dancing.”

“Oh.” Bill bobbed his head in relief before dipping down to claim a salty kiss. “I see. Sounds fun.”

Clearing the chestnut waves from Bill’s high forehead, Nadine grinned. “Yeah, how was your day?”

“Good, good. Just kinda worn out.”

Nodding, Nadine pushed herself off the couch. “Yeah, me too. I’m just gonna hop in the shower. Be right out.”

“Oh, I’ll join you.”

Bill started to lift his faded TCM t-shirt overhead, but before he could even expose his pale belly pudge, Nadine snapped, “No!”

Blinking, Bill lowered his arms. “Okay…”

Nadine swallowed hard, fingers twisting as she shifted from side to side. “Sorry, I...I just meant…”

Bill studied her fretful countenance, his azure eyes narrowing. “Okay...babe, what’s going on? Because you’ve been...off. Since yesterday. Is something wrong?”

Nadine’s gaze fell from Bill to the floor. She couldn’t look at him as she said the words, hugging herself tight. “I...I did something stupid…”

Taking half a step forward, Bill tilted his head, keeping his tone soft, though a shaky unease flooded his system and his fingers tapped his thick thigh. “Can you tell me about it?”

“I…” Lips quivering and eyes glassy, Nadine’s voice shrank before she choked out a sob and covered her mouth. “I hurt myself. I...I’m so sorry…”

“Oh...oh honey…” Bill scooped Nadine’s folding figure into his firm arms, petting over her hair and tucking her beneath his square chin. 

Nadine clung to his broad frame, grief leaking into Bill’s built chest as her body shook with shame. “I’m sorry...I...I’m so stupid...I’m sorry…”

“No, Nadine, honey, no…” Slightly nasal voice whispering, Bill’s big hand rubbed circles of solace into the small of her back. “You aren’t. And you don’t need to apologize. Let’s just… do you wanna lay down? Rest?”

Nodding wearily against his shirt, Nadine sniffed. “Okay.” Bill murmured, but before he hoisted her up, he paused. “Babe...can you tell me where? I just...I want to be careful.”

“Just…” Nadine gestured to the front of her thighs. “Yeah…”

“Alright…” Throat tight, Bill blinked rapidly as he looped a firm arm under her legs and lifted Nadine into the air. “I got you…”

Bill carried her to the bedroom, shuffling backward onto the mattress and letting Nadine drape her sorrowful being over his tall frame as he cradled her near. “Okay…” Lengthy fingers trickled through her hair, over her arms, as Bill touched kisses to her forehead. “Just cry, Nade. It’s okay. You can just cry…”

She did. He did. The sea of Bill’s eyes overflowed as he rocked Nadine in his strong grasp, but he rode this high tide before. He saw the scars. White and pink and purple. Some hidden by tattoos, some not. Nadine warning Bill before their first time together of the marks her body bore, self conscious of how this might affect his attraction.

Bill smoothed them over with sizable hands, traced them with supple lips. But they remained. And Bill knew the hurt did, too. Knew he couldn’t fix what lay inside Nadine, urging her to take the pain within and make it visible, concrete, external. Knew she would need to do that work herself with therapy and time.

But Bill ached for every instance in her life when Nadine couldn’t see her brilliance, her beauty, her worth. And a fire crackled within, Bill’s nostrils flaring and left eye twitching at the thought of all of those who contributed to Nadine thinking she didn’t matter.

Eyes drying and nestling close, Nadine whispered into the quiet. “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be.” Bill’s silver-speckled chin chafed as he shook his head and caressed her back. “I know…” Cords of his neck working, the flint in Bill’s voice caught. “I...obviously I don’t want you to hurt yourself, but…” Bill nodded, coiling his arms tighter around Nadine and kissing her cheek. “Sometimes we do whatever we can to get through the day. And I’m just glad you’re here with me.”

Nadine turned her face into Bill’s solid chest, crying anew with gratitude at his understanding. “Thank you.”

Warmed by Bill’s powerful, plush body and his love, Nadine fell asleep; secure in the knowledge that one choice does not determine one’s whole life, a new day waiting for her tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read! Please leave a comment or come say hi on tumblr at fandomtransmandom. I also accept requests. 
> 
> Note: If you would like a fic like this which deals with a tough issue, I also offer private stories for folks and will not publish if you would prefer to keep it for yourself.


End file.
